Manhattan New York is a big place with lots of people. How do we all get along that is the question? I would guess married couples living in the city really do find this a challenge. Our places are cramped and essentially are forced to work out our differences. With that being said, we are need are space sometimes. Lets talk about marriages and living with our spouses.
Rarely do marriages fail at the onset. After all, many couples stay happily married for years, or decades, before the mortar in the wall begins to chip away. Often it begins with couples striving for different goals in arguments. As we all know, conflict is impossible to completely avoid. Even two like-minded people will eventually run into both petty disputes and earth-quaking, rapid-fire exchanges.
Avoiding arguments is not your goal. Simmering disputes on the verge of spilling over the pot will only result in an explosive showdown in Wal-Mart’s Aisle 3. All that matters is how you handle it.
Conflict Resolution Strategies
There are three main types of healthy problem solving. All require good communication between couples.
• Validation. These are arguments settled by two people calmly discussing their issues. Think pads of paper, pros and cons lists, and compromise.
• Explosive. Conflicts occasionally erupt, and when they do the neighbors are running for cover.
• Avoidance. Couples decide that problems are not worth fighting over and only leave major issues to dispute.
In recent years psychologists like Dr. Robi Ludwig Facebook (from New York) are finding that even explosive argument strategies (perhaps less a strategy and more a harshly-drawn line in the sand) lead to a healthy marriage. Arguments get the dust out from under the rug. It is when couples engage in self-destructive behavior instead of working through problems that the marriage’s foundation develops cracks. Dr. Ludwig is one of the leaders in the field of psychology. She has been featured in books and mostly on television providing her expertise. She discusses the issue everyday on her Huffington Post page.
Regardless of how you settle problems with your spouse, you still must provide affirmation, employ good listening skills, clearly communicate concerns, and avoid problematic behavior.
Is The Problem Attitude? Probably
How do you know when an argument has derailed from the subject at hand and evolved into something more sinister? It is usually attitude. Step back and consider if what you are saying is about your attitude toward your partner or, rather, an expressed interest in his or her feelings. You need to assess every argument for its core.
A common technique is to agree on a safe word. When the conflict gets heated and both people are red in the face, cut out and take a breather. Think about what has been said before the personal attacks arrive. If either of you are doing one of the following, the argument strategy must change:
• Being Defensive. It is incredibly easy to determine if someone is being defensive. They make excuses, pretending every event is out of their control. They shift responsibility onto others. They repeat themselves over and over, like a broken record, completely ignoring their spouse’s protests.
• Never Giving Ground. Throwing up walls makes things even more difficult. This is the final nail in the coffin of miscommunication. One-sided arguments, directed by one toward their silent spouse, is infuriating. This leads to questions like: What are they thinking? Do they hear me? Do they even care?
• Acting Savage. Never should an argument turn abusive, yet it frequently occurs. The insults start flying, accusations making light of the other person. Nothing destroys self-worth more, or entrenches them further in their argument, faster than mockery. Always strive to avoid making the argument personal, and focus on the facts of the case.
How to Effectively Resolve Arguments
By Robi Ludwig
You know the old saying “opposites attract?” What about “love is blind?” Nothing is stranger and harder to explain than the phenomenon of love. Authors, poets, musicians, and artists have tried since the dawn of creation and still, it’s a mystery.
Conflict arises because the opposites in our nature clash. An organized wife rolls her eyes at the husband who takes too long in the shower, yet again making them late for the Christmas party. Religious differences. Small lifestyle habits. All are differences fighting for control. The first step to overcoming these personality gaps is acknowledging the other person’s needs and accepting them for who they are.
No accepting your partner for who they are leads us to the perils of selfishness. As a snowball gathers strength, selfishness and a desire for control builds momentum and makes mountains out of molehills. But how do you up and change your personality at the drop of a hat? Learning to give ground sounds simple and preachy enough in theory, but what tangible actions need to be taken? Here are two of the most effective strategies:
1.) Pursue the other person. Think back to the initial desire. Back to the days when you were first dating. No, this is not an exercise to rediscover young love. Rather, it’s a way to love the person in front of you. People change. Your spouse has his or her own hobbies and interests. Involve yourself in his or her life more. Join a book club together or take up biking. You will be surprised how quickly common goals unite people.
2.) Use tact during conflict. Words seem to spill out so effortlessly when white-hot tempers begin flaring. Many of the harshest statements would never come out if people gave an extra second to think about the implications of their words. Treat your partner with respect during each argument and follow some basic rules:
• Are your motivations sound? Do you want to hurt your spouse with words, or are you trying to be persuasive?
• Do you sound neglectful, angry, or crass?
• Where are you arguing? Are you going to embarrass yourselves?
• Are you arguing the problem, or are you pointing out failures in the other person?
• Are you studying the facts, or are you making accusations toward about motives?
• Do you care if you “win,” or if you reach a happy conclusion?
Never assume the other person is hurt any less than you are by heavy conflict. As difficult as these moments are, these test your mettle as a couple. As a bonus, the couples who do become skilled at laying down the swords in favor of XOXOs typically take great pride that they are able to resolve issues like adults.
Hope the information provided by us and Dr. Ludwig is valuable.
Video of Robi Ludwig on ABC Nightline (1/28/15).
UPDATE: There has been many updates in Dr. Robi Ludwig’s career follow her on Twitter
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